"I never worry about them while they're in her
"...we are very happy with the thoroughness, quality and price of her
service to our pets, and the peace of mind we have by using her."
- Letters of
|No Elephants, Please!
Remember: Dogs and cats are more desirable than kids because they
- Eat less
- Don't ask for money all the time
- Are easier to train
- Normally come when called
- Never ask to drive the car
- Don't hang out with drug-using friends
- Don't smoke or drink
- Don't have to buy the latest fashions
- Don't want to wear your clothes
- Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
- If they get pregnant, you can sell their children
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop the pill in its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedures as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle (Resist impulse to get a new cat.)
5. Again, proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit on edge of chair, hold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop pill in - quickly!
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you are a woman, have a good cry. If you are a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and ...Oooops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
10 Crawl to the linen closet. Drag out a large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man - or woman!
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done!
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
1. Wrap pill in bacon.
2. Toss in the air.
|Seen on veterinary hospital wall: Children who are left unattended will be given a free puppy or kitten.|
|The dog thinks of its owner: You feed me, you pet me, you love me, you take care of me... you must be God. The cat thinks of its owner: You feed me, you pet me, you love me... I must be God.|
To wonder at an animal is to begin to understand God.